I want my Lucky's back.

After much research, I've pinpointed the taste of Parliament Lights: #2 pencils and pepper.

Blech.

Ahaha.

Did anyone else see this? :)







"Combination" indeed. Ah, dictionary.com. You slay me.

DRUUUUUUUUUUUUNK.

I'M WATCHING FULL HOUSE, THIS IS ALMOST TEDIOUS. I'M DROOLING WATER ALL OVER MYSELF. DAMN THIS SHOW IS SO BAD. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I'M TWENTY-TWO, ALMOST TWENTY-THREE. GOD THAT WAS HARD TO TYPE. BUT GOD THIS SHOW IS REALLY BAD WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR TWENTIES. LONG LIVE COULIER!!!! EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ON SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES. FUCKING SELL OUT.

ETA: SMASH CLUB MY ASS.

Bitchwork to the max.

I found out the other day that my official title at work is Administrative Assistant. Does this mean I get presents on National Secretary-Whatever Day?

I might just make it after all.

Well, it's been a while since I last updated. I got a job through the temp agency doing data entry at an insurance place 9 blocks away. It was pretty boring and hellish, but at least I made rent for March. As long as I don't spend it all by then, hm. I shouldn't. I think I manage my money a lot better these days. Being poor will do that to ya.

Valentine's Day was shit, as per usual. After I got off work, I came home and ordered two pizzas and watched American Idol. I don't really feel like saying anything else about it. Maybe next year will be different.

In other news, I made a gay Daniel Radcliffe for everyone's viewing pleasure:

Make it so.

I wonder.. when a couple of Trekkies decide to get married, after the guy proposes, do you think he slips the ring on the girl's finger and says "Engage!"...?

Never again.

Note to self:

Piece of sesame chicken plus swig of orange juice equals VOMIT TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

That will be all.

Aaaaaaggghhhhh.

Holy shit.. so. I was just outside. And was smoking on the back porch in the dark. And I was looking at the ground while I took a drag, and then I looked back up. And staring at me less than 15 ft. away were two wolves. Wolves. Fucking WOLVES. And I looked at them for about a second, sort of paralyzed, and then they started to run toward me. And I dashed to the back door liked I've never moved in my life, opened it, slammed it, and then locked it, breathing all hard.

What the fuck???

The irony in this is that I need a cigarette now more than anything, and I can't go back out there. I'm never going back out there. I'm still shaking from it. I was scared of big dogs in the first place, and this just makes it even worse. Stupid backwoods Tennessee.

Blahhhhhh.

I think the lamest month out of all months is September. What a fucking weak month. If you ever want to make fun of a month, it's September. Fuck Septmeber.

Ubiquitous Larry.

I just heard someone say this in a Minnesota Target:

(scene: very crowded, people everywhere)

Woman behind me in line, talking to her friend: "Well, it's the last weekend before Christmas, so I guess people are just trying to... git 'r done."


Yeah.

Milli Vanilli strikes again.

I don't know why they bother giving these chodes microphones to sing into on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. They're very obviously lip synching, and it's so amazing how they sound JUST LIKE THE ORIGINAL RECORDING. ISN'T THAT WILD????

And I hate her stupid laugh too.

Has anyone else ever noticed that the method Rachel Ray employs in making her show $40 a Day work is being a shitty tipper?

You'll do.

A good pick-up line I just thought up while in the bathroom:

"Excuse me. I wanted to fellate myself, but I don't have a penis. Could I use yours?"

Hey. It might work.

Infomercials make me hungry.

UrineGone's powerful enzymes have an appetite for urine!

You can't act, bitch. Stop ruining good shoes.

I'm very sad to report that Keds, the shoes I loved as a child, have announced their new fall lineup, starring their new spokesperson: Mischa "I'm a Drunken Whore Who Can't Act" Barton. Her vacant smile and druggie mushroom gaze doesn't really do much for me, and I'm afraid I'm boycotting Keds until they come to their senses. Not like I've bought anything from them in oh, a decade, but it's the principle here. VOMIT.

Doug is a tool.

Surprisingly, this commercial was for real. Watch and cringe. Seriously, I didn't know whether to laugh or turn the channel. Enjoy?

Maxoderm.
(Click on 'See what Doug is up to...' movie link on the middle righthand side of the page)

Tsk tsk, advertising. Tsk. Tsk.

Crunchy crunchy.

I'm getting pretty tired of these commercials where people are eating cereal that's so goddamned crunchy that they supposedly can't hear a word of what's going on around them. You know, like the commercial where the guy in the office keeps getting fired but he can't hear his boss because he apparently eats cereal the entire day. Or the one where there's a bear in the forest and the guy can't hear his wife screaming and running away because, you know, the cereal is so delicious. How about they make a commercial where a wife sees her husband eating Grape Nuts or Honey Toasted Almonds or whatever-the-hell at a cook-out or something, so she puts on a coy grin, goes behind his back, and starts making out with his best friend. Segue into heavy groping and loud moan sounds. And the guy's still just sitting there, back to the action, enjoying his delicious bowl of crunchtastic crunchies. Now that's a commericial.

Matsutake Manthings.

I just saw a mushroom on Iron Chef that was described as "smaller with a stiff head" and I started laughing uncontrollably. Mostly because the little cartoon graphic beside the written description on the screen looked like a tiny taupe penis. Ahh, the simple things. (THINGS! AAHAHAHAHAH.)

World Poker Tour in my living room.

I don't know whose idea it was, but I think watching celebrities play poker is one of the most boring things I have ever seen in my entire lifetime. It reminds me of when I would just sit there and watch my guy friends play Halo for hours on end, wondering, for the love of God, when it was ever going to stop. Watching a game of poker on tv... They might as well have us watch them play SlapJack. Or Bridge. Gawd. It's so boring I can't even come up with colorful words to diss it further.

Hah-a-ha-ha-hogwarts!

Hey everyone. Still in Starbucks with no internet, but I figured I'd entertain you nevertheless.

I've been meaning to post this link for a while, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Is everyone familiar with those shitty R. Kelly songs he put out a bit ago, the Trapped in the Closet ones? Where he's just talking the whole time? Yeah. Well, this radio station in Atlanta hates R. Kelly a lot, so since Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was coming out around the same time those songs started to get press, they decided to get revenge with a little bit of parody action. So, here you are. It's hilarious, even though a bunch of stuff is mispronounced. :) Enjoy!

Harry Potter: Trapped in the Closet, Under the Stairs

Go ahead and pee your pants. I won't mind.

Ew.

So, I was channel surfing and came upon Rock Star (of which I've seen before) on UPN, no less. Anyway, it had just started, and I saw Timothy Spall in the beginning credits. And then it dawned on me.. Peter Pettigrew and the creepy British backstage pass guy with a thing for ayass are one in the same. Wormtail's just not going to be the same anymore.

Quick quandary...

Why were WOW! chips pulled off the shelves? My anus, for one, never leaked, and I'm kind of pissed my fat free Ruffles are no more.

Happy Birthday, America. Sort of.

Mom: "So what are your plans for the day?"

Me: "Oh, I figured I'd get drunk and set some illegal fireworks off on the lawn."

Mom: *disapproving stare*

Me: *smile*

Cybersex, made fun.

Hey all. I just went to this webpage my friend Jer thought I'd like and sent me the link to, and it was pretty funny. Thought you all would enjoy the humor as well. It gets funnier as you keep reading, so try and go through the whole thing. It'll only take 5 minutes. :)

Wanna cyber?

Ahaha. Yes.

Oh the joys of youth.

Me: Ok, how's this headline for French's mustard:
Me: "Slip it on your weiner."
Me: I'm writing it down.
Me: Oh oh
Me: Even better:
Me: "Be sure to slip a condiment on your weiner."
Me: I'm just being tasteless now.
Me: "Hell, just suck it out of the bottle, asshole."
Me: "We may be tasteless, but this shit sure isn't."
Me: Those will run someday. Mark my word.
Scott: america isnt ready for you
Me: I thought of a good one for Dolby
Me: Or Bose, rather
Me: "High quality sound, so you don't miss a single shitty note."
Me: It's all the same.
Scott: dude
Scott: you need to be in a different industry