Make it so.

I wonder.. when a couple of Trekkies decide to get married, after the guy proposes, do you think he slips the ring on the girl's finger and says "Engage!"...?

Never again.

Note to self:

Piece of sesame chicken plus swig of orange juice equals VOMIT TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

That will be all.

Aaaaaaggghhhhh.

Holy shit.. so. I was just outside. And was smoking on the back porch in the dark. And I was looking at the ground while I took a drag, and then I looked back up. And staring at me less than 15 ft. away were two wolves. Wolves. Fucking WOLVES. And I looked at them for about a second, sort of paralyzed, and then they started to run toward me. And I dashed to the back door liked I've never moved in my life, opened it, slammed it, and then locked it, breathing all hard.

What the fuck???

The irony in this is that I need a cigarette now more than anything, and I can't go back out there. I'm never going back out there. I'm still shaking from it. I was scared of big dogs in the first place, and this just makes it even worse. Stupid backwoods Tennessee.

Blahhhhhh.

I think the lamest month out of all months is September. What a fucking weak month. If you ever want to make fun of a month, it's September. Fuck Septmeber.

Ubiquitous Larry.

I just heard someone say this in a Minnesota Target:

(scene: very crowded, people everywhere)

Woman behind me in line, talking to her friend: "Well, it's the last weekend before Christmas, so I guess people are just trying to... git 'r done."


Yeah.

Milli Vanilli strikes again.

I don't know why they bother giving these chodes microphones to sing into on the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. They're very obviously lip synching, and it's so amazing how they sound JUST LIKE THE ORIGINAL RECORDING. ISN'T THAT WILD????

And I hate her stupid laugh too.

Has anyone else ever noticed that the method Rachel Ray employs in making her show $40 a Day work is being a shitty tipper?

You'll do.

A good pick-up line I just thought up while in the bathroom:

"Excuse me. I wanted to fellate myself, but I don't have a penis. Could I use yours?"

Hey. It might work.

Infomercials make me hungry.

UrineGone's powerful enzymes have an appetite for urine!

You can't act, bitch. Stop ruining good shoes.

I'm very sad to report that Keds, the shoes I loved as a child, have announced their new fall lineup, starring their new spokesperson: Mischa "I'm a Drunken Whore Who Can't Act" Barton. Her vacant smile and druggie mushroom gaze doesn't really do much for me, and I'm afraid I'm boycotting Keds until they come to their senses. Not like I've bought anything from them in oh, a decade, but it's the principle here. VOMIT.

Doug is a tool.

Surprisingly, this commercial was for real. Watch and cringe. Seriously, I didn't know whether to laugh or turn the channel. Enjoy?

Maxoderm.
(Click on 'See what Doug is up to...' movie link on the middle righthand side of the page)

Tsk tsk, advertising. Tsk. Tsk.

Crunchy crunchy.

I'm getting pretty tired of these commercials where people are eating cereal that's so goddamned crunchy that they supposedly can't hear a word of what's going on around them. You know, like the commercial where the guy in the office keeps getting fired but he can't hear his boss because he apparently eats cereal the entire day. Or the one where there's a bear in the forest and the guy can't hear his wife screaming and running away because, you know, the cereal is so delicious. How about they make a commercial where a wife sees her husband eating Grape Nuts or Honey Toasted Almonds or whatever-the-hell at a cook-out or something, so she puts on a coy grin, goes behind his back, and starts making out with his best friend. Segue into heavy groping and loud moan sounds. And the guy's still just sitting there, back to the action, enjoying his delicious bowl of crunchtastic crunchies. Now that's a commericial.

Matsutake Manthings.

I just saw a mushroom on Iron Chef that was described as "smaller with a stiff head" and I started laughing uncontrollably. Mostly because the little cartoon graphic beside the written description on the screen looked like a tiny taupe penis. Ahh, the simple things. (THINGS! AAHAHAHAHAH.)

World Poker Tour in my living room.

I don't know whose idea it was, but I think watching celebrities play poker is one of the most boring things I have ever seen in my entire lifetime. It reminds me of when I would just sit there and watch my guy friends play Halo for hours on end, wondering, for the love of God, when it was ever going to stop. Watching a game of poker on tv... They might as well have us watch them play SlapJack. Or Bridge. Gawd. It's so boring I can't even come up with colorful words to diss it further.

Hah-a-ha-ha-hogwarts!

Hey everyone. Still in Starbucks with no internet, but I figured I'd entertain you nevertheless.

I've been meaning to post this link for a while, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Is everyone familiar with those shitty R. Kelly songs he put out a bit ago, the Trapped in the Closet ones? Where he's just talking the whole time? Yeah. Well, this radio station in Atlanta hates R. Kelly a lot, so since Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was coming out around the same time those songs started to get press, they decided to get revenge with a little bit of parody action. So, here you are. It's hilarious, even though a bunch of stuff is mispronounced. :) Enjoy!

Harry Potter: Trapped in the Closet, Under the Stairs

Go ahead and pee your pants. I won't mind.

Ew.

So, I was channel surfing and came upon Rock Star (of which I've seen before) on UPN, no less. Anyway, it had just started, and I saw Timothy Spall in the beginning credits. And then it dawned on me.. Peter Pettigrew and the creepy British backstage pass guy with a thing for ayass are one in the same. Wormtail's just not going to be the same anymore.

Quick quandary...

Why were WOW! chips pulled off the shelves? My anus, for one, never leaked, and I'm kind of pissed my fat free Ruffles are no more.

Happy Birthday, America. Sort of.

Mom: "So what are your plans for the day?"

Me: "Oh, I figured I'd get drunk and set some illegal fireworks off on the lawn."

Mom: *disapproving stare*

Me: *smile*

Cybersex, made fun.

Hey all. I just went to this webpage my friend Jer thought I'd like and sent me the link to, and it was pretty funny. Thought you all would enjoy the humor as well. It gets funnier as you keep reading, so try and go through the whole thing. It'll only take 5 minutes. :)

Wanna cyber?

Ahaha. Yes.

Oh the joys of youth.

Me: Ok, how's this headline for French's mustard:
Me: "Slip it on your weiner."
Me: I'm writing it down.
Me: Oh oh
Me: Even better:
Me: "Be sure to slip a condiment on your weiner."
Me: I'm just being tasteless now.
Me: "Hell, just suck it out of the bottle, asshole."
Me: "We may be tasteless, but this shit sure isn't."
Me: Those will run someday. Mark my word.
Scott: america isnt ready for you
Me: I thought of a good one for Dolby
Me: Or Bose, rather
Me: "High quality sound, so you don't miss a single shitty note."
Me: It's all the same.
Scott: dude
Scott: you need to be in a different industry

Get a fruit buzz: the worst tagline ever.

If McDonald's offers to "hook me up" with a salad one more time, I can't be responsible for the consequences.

Never tickle a sleeping pole dancer.

I was just watching Soul Train (don't ask) and there was totally this woman on there, shaking her booty, working a Hogwarts track jacket. Nice.

Funny story.

Jason came over tonight and we were watching some Queer as Folk. Then I put in Aqua Teen Hunger Force to show him a couple of episodes, since he refused to see any show with "a talking milkshake" on previous occasions. But I made him. Anyway, it kept skipping and pausing of its own will, and it had nothing to do with the DVD, but with the player. So I took out the disc and blew hard inside of my DVD player to get the dust out or whatever to fix it (it's worked before), and then tried to play it again. It still skipped. So, in defeat, I took it out and said, "Sorry my DVD player's being all gay." Then I stopped, immediately looked over at him, and said, "Oh."

"Do you actually use that phrase? I hate people who use that phrase."

"No?"

"Good. Because we can't be friends anymore if you say that all the time."

Then he called something of mine straight, and I didn't get it at first, and then I did, but then I didn't laugh. You know.. because it didn't make any sense/wasn't-funny. Then later on he made me give him a massage. It was a weird day.

Just for the record.

Here are some good t-shirt/poster sayings I made up recently/today:

I'm a Closet Bush Supporter,
and I'm not talking about the president.
(with a woman peeking her head around a big pink triangle in the background)


VIAGRA:
Helping Fags Fuck Their Hags Since 1998


Why they're both homosexual in context, nobody knows. Thank you. So long, and good night.

Back off, bitch.

So, I have lots to update on.. but right now I just had to show everyone something. I have this pseudo-stalker who won't leave me the hell alone on AIM. He found me on facebook and he's way creepy. Anyway, he's from India and doesn't understand half of the sayings I use. At first it was tedious to explain everything I said, but now it's just plain annoying/amusing. I can't decide. Either way, he keeps relentlessly hitting on me and being all-around creepy. I'm never going to meet him for "coffee".. as he keeps asking for, so dude needs to lay off. I'm pretty much just being mean about it now. Anyway, here's part of the latest tedious IM for you all to enjoy:

LoserCreep (1:31:41 AM): yo theresa...whaddup
Theresa (1:32:51 AM): Uh, same as before
LoserCreep (1:33:01 AM): which was ?
Theresa (1:33:17 AM): At home
LoserCreep (1:33:22 AM): tri cities ?
Theresa (1:33:43 AM): yes.
LoserCreep (1:33:49 AM): ok...
LoserCreep (1:33:55 AM): or as the french would say
LoserCreep (1:34:06 AM): trie citie`
LoserCreep (1:37:26 AM): so, what else is going on ?
Theresa (1:40:35 AM): I'm cleaning.
LoserCreep (1:40:42 AM): yourself ?
Theresa (1:41:28 AM): Uh, my room
LoserCreep (1:41:41 AM): oh
LoserCreep (1:41:44 AM): i am disappointed
Theresa (1:41:50 AM): ok
LoserCreep (1:42:01 AM): you could have played along
LoserCreep (1:42:35 AM): we BOTH could have played along
Theresa (1:42:44 AM): *shudder*
LoserCreep (1:43:04 AM): so you are beginning to shudder
LoserCreep (1:43:07 AM): thats a good sign
Theresa (1:43:17 AM): If you say so.
LoserCreep (1:43:20 AM): in fact, thats exactly what I was thinking....you are playing along
LoserCreep (1:43:21 AM): good good
Theresa (1:43:36 AM): I think you need a dictionary.
LoserCreep (1:43:47 AM): i think you need to shudder some more
Theresa (1:44:17 AM): Oh, I have. I have.
LoserCreep (1:44:22 AM): EXCELLENT
LoserCreep (1:44:30 AM): throw in a moan and a groan somewhere in there
Theresa (1:45:05 AM): So, I'm guessing you're bored.
LoserCreep (1:45:44 AM): well, you are a very precocious, talented (*needless to say gifted and perceptive !!) teenager
LoserCreep (1:45:53 AM): slightly bored
LoserCreep (1:45:59 AM): couldn't sleep
LoserCreep (1:46:02 AM): well
Theresa (1:47:11 AM): Am I a teenager?
LoserCreep (1:47:21 AM): yes....you are younger than me
LoserCreep (1:47:26 AM): and I turn 27 tomorrow
Theresa (1:47:35 AM): Hurrah.
Theresa (1:47:41 AM): Doesn't make me a teenager though.
LoserCreep (1:47:47 AM): in my eyes
Theresa (1:47:50 AM): k
LoserCreep (1:47:52 AM): you are a teenager
Theresa (1:48:04 AM): Well, keep on living the dream I guess.
LoserCreep (1:48:15 AM): you better believe it
LoserCreep (1:48:19 AM): i dream of you EVERY NIGHT
LoserCreep (1:48:27 AM): sometimes during the day
LoserCreep (1:48:36 AM): boy, you sure guess right !!
Theresa (1:48:42 AM): I don't know how.
LoserCreep (1:49:00 AM): well, i don't think you want to get into my dreams
LoserCreep (1:49:04 AM): they are very LUCID
LoserCreep (1:49:33 AM): i mean, I am more than willing to go over my dreams with you......OVER SOME BEVERAGE(S)...
LoserCreep (1:49:34 AM): but alas
LoserCreep (1:49:37 AM): that ain't happenin
Theresa (1:50:44 AM): That's the spirit.
LoserCreep (1:50:58 AM): yes, thats the "spirit"
LoserCreep (1:51:10 AM): and I've had some generous doses of 'spirit' tonite
Theresa (1:52:32 AM): You don't say.
LoserCreep (1:52:43 AM): i don't say ???
LoserCreep (1:52:49 AM): i just did
LoserCreep (1:59:26 AM): cute bubbly young....
LoserCreep (2:12:21 AM): still cleaning ?

I haven't replied back and I'm not going to. Gah. Gross.