You can't act, bitch. Stop ruining good shoes.

I'm very sad to report that Keds, the shoes I loved as a child, have announced their new fall lineup, starring their new spokesperson: Mischa "I'm a Drunken Whore Who Can't Act" Barton. Her vacant smile and druggie mushroom gaze doesn't really do much for me, and I'm afraid I'm boycotting Keds until they come to their senses. Not like I've bought anything from them in oh, a decade, but it's the principle here. VOMIT.

Doug is a tool.

Surprisingly, this commercial was for real. Watch and cringe. Seriously, I didn't know whether to laugh or turn the channel. Enjoy?

Maxoderm.
(Click on 'See what Doug is up to...' movie link on the middle righthand side of the page)

Tsk tsk, advertising. Tsk. Tsk.

Crunchy crunchy.

I'm getting pretty tired of these commercials where people are eating cereal that's so goddamned crunchy that they supposedly can't hear a word of what's going on around them. You know, like the commercial where the guy in the office keeps getting fired but he can't hear his boss because he apparently eats cereal the entire day. Or the one where there's a bear in the forest and the guy can't hear his wife screaming and running away because, you know, the cereal is so delicious. How about they make a commercial where a wife sees her husband eating Grape Nuts or Honey Toasted Almonds or whatever-the-hell at a cook-out or something, so she puts on a coy grin, goes behind his back, and starts making out with his best friend. Segue into heavy groping and loud moan sounds. And the guy's still just sitting there, back to the action, enjoying his delicious bowl of crunchtastic crunchies. Now that's a commericial.

Matsutake Manthings.

I just saw a mushroom on Iron Chef that was described as "smaller with a stiff head" and I started laughing uncontrollably. Mostly because the little cartoon graphic beside the written description on the screen looked like a tiny taupe penis. Ahh, the simple things. (THINGS! AAHAHAHAHAH.)

World Poker Tour in my living room.

I don't know whose idea it was, but I think watching celebrities play poker is one of the most boring things I have ever seen in my entire lifetime. It reminds me of when I would just sit there and watch my guy friends play Halo for hours on end, wondering, for the love of God, when it was ever going to stop. Watching a game of poker on tv... They might as well have us watch them play SlapJack. Or Bridge. Gawd. It's so boring I can't even come up with colorful words to diss it further.

Hah-a-ha-ha-hogwarts!

Hey everyone. Still in Starbucks with no internet, but I figured I'd entertain you nevertheless.

I've been meaning to post this link for a while, but just hadn't gotten around to it. Is everyone familiar with those shitty R. Kelly songs he put out a bit ago, the Trapped in the Closet ones? Where he's just talking the whole time? Yeah. Well, this radio station in Atlanta hates R. Kelly a lot, so since Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was coming out around the same time those songs started to get press, they decided to get revenge with a little bit of parody action. So, here you are. It's hilarious, even though a bunch of stuff is mispronounced. :) Enjoy!

Harry Potter: Trapped in the Closet, Under the Stairs

Go ahead and pee your pants. I won't mind.

Ew.

So, I was channel surfing and came upon Rock Star (of which I've seen before) on UPN, no less. Anyway, it had just started, and I saw Timothy Spall in the beginning credits. And then it dawned on me.. Peter Pettigrew and the creepy British backstage pass guy with a thing for ayass are one in the same. Wormtail's just not going to be the same anymore.

Quick quandary...

Why were WOW! chips pulled off the shelves? My anus, for one, never leaked, and I'm kind of pissed my fat free Ruffles are no more.

Happy Birthday, America. Sort of.

Mom: "So what are your plans for the day?"

Me: "Oh, I figured I'd get drunk and set some illegal fireworks off on the lawn."

Mom: *disapproving stare*

Me: *smile*

Cybersex, made fun.

Hey all. I just went to this webpage my friend Jer thought I'd like and sent me the link to, and it was pretty funny. Thought you all would enjoy the humor as well. It gets funnier as you keep reading, so try and go through the whole thing. It'll only take 5 minutes. :)

Wanna cyber?

Ahaha. Yes.

Oh the joys of youth.

Me: Ok, how's this headline for French's mustard:
Me: "Slip it on your weiner."
Me: I'm writing it down.
Me: Oh oh
Me: Even better:
Me: "Be sure to slip a condiment on your weiner."
Me: I'm just being tasteless now.
Me: "Hell, just suck it out of the bottle, asshole."
Me: "We may be tasteless, but this shit sure isn't."
Me: Those will run someday. Mark my word.
Scott: america isnt ready for you
Me: I thought of a good one for Dolby
Me: Or Bose, rather
Me: "High quality sound, so you don't miss a single shitty note."
Me: It's all the same.
Scott: dude
Scott: you need to be in a different industry

Get a fruit buzz: the worst tagline ever.

If McDonald's offers to "hook me up" with a salad one more time, I can't be responsible for the consequences.

Never tickle a sleeping pole dancer.

I was just watching Soul Train (don't ask) and there was totally this woman on there, shaking her booty, working a Hogwarts track jacket. Nice.

Funny story.

Jason came over tonight and we were watching some Queer as Folk. Then I put in Aqua Teen Hunger Force to show him a couple of episodes, since he refused to see any show with "a talking milkshake" on previous occasions. But I made him. Anyway, it kept skipping and pausing of its own will, and it had nothing to do with the DVD, but with the player. So I took out the disc and blew hard inside of my DVD player to get the dust out or whatever to fix it (it's worked before), and then tried to play it again. It still skipped. So, in defeat, I took it out and said, "Sorry my DVD player's being all gay." Then I stopped, immediately looked over at him, and said, "Oh."

"Do you actually use that phrase? I hate people who use that phrase."

"No?"

"Good. Because we can't be friends anymore if you say that all the time."

Then he called something of mine straight, and I didn't get it at first, and then I did, but then I didn't laugh. You know.. because it didn't make any sense/wasn't-funny. Then later on he made me give him a massage. It was a weird day.

Just for the record.

Here are some good t-shirt/poster sayings I made up recently/today:

I'm a Closet Bush Supporter,
and I'm not talking about the president.
(with a woman peeking her head around a big pink triangle in the background)


VIAGRA:
Helping Fags Fuck Their Hags Since 1998


Why they're both homosexual in context, nobody knows. Thank you. So long, and good night.

Back off, bitch.

So, I have lots to update on.. but right now I just had to show everyone something. I have this pseudo-stalker who won't leave me the hell alone on AIM. He found me on facebook and he's way creepy. Anyway, he's from India and doesn't understand half of the sayings I use. At first it was tedious to explain everything I said, but now it's just plain annoying/amusing. I can't decide. Either way, he keeps relentlessly hitting on me and being all-around creepy. I'm never going to meet him for "coffee".. as he keeps asking for, so dude needs to lay off. I'm pretty much just being mean about it now. Anyway, here's part of the latest tedious IM for you all to enjoy:

LoserCreep (1:31:41 AM): yo theresa...whaddup
Theresa (1:32:51 AM): Uh, same as before
LoserCreep (1:33:01 AM): which was ?
Theresa (1:33:17 AM): At home
LoserCreep (1:33:22 AM): tri cities ?
Theresa (1:33:43 AM): yes.
LoserCreep (1:33:49 AM): ok...
LoserCreep (1:33:55 AM): or as the french would say
LoserCreep (1:34:06 AM): trie citie`
LoserCreep (1:37:26 AM): so, what else is going on ?
Theresa (1:40:35 AM): I'm cleaning.
LoserCreep (1:40:42 AM): yourself ?
Theresa (1:41:28 AM): Uh, my room
LoserCreep (1:41:41 AM): oh
LoserCreep (1:41:44 AM): i am disappointed
Theresa (1:41:50 AM): ok
LoserCreep (1:42:01 AM): you could have played along
LoserCreep (1:42:35 AM): we BOTH could have played along
Theresa (1:42:44 AM): *shudder*
LoserCreep (1:43:04 AM): so you are beginning to shudder
LoserCreep (1:43:07 AM): thats a good sign
Theresa (1:43:17 AM): If you say so.
LoserCreep (1:43:20 AM): in fact, thats exactly what I was thinking....you are playing along
LoserCreep (1:43:21 AM): good good
Theresa (1:43:36 AM): I think you need a dictionary.
LoserCreep (1:43:47 AM): i think you need to shudder some more
Theresa (1:44:17 AM): Oh, I have. I have.
LoserCreep (1:44:22 AM): EXCELLENT
LoserCreep (1:44:30 AM): throw in a moan and a groan somewhere in there
Theresa (1:45:05 AM): So, I'm guessing you're bored.
LoserCreep (1:45:44 AM): well, you are a very precocious, talented (*needless to say gifted and perceptive !!) teenager
LoserCreep (1:45:53 AM): slightly bored
LoserCreep (1:45:59 AM): couldn't sleep
LoserCreep (1:46:02 AM): well
Theresa (1:47:11 AM): Am I a teenager?
LoserCreep (1:47:21 AM): yes....you are younger than me
LoserCreep (1:47:26 AM): and I turn 27 tomorrow
Theresa (1:47:35 AM): Hurrah.
Theresa (1:47:41 AM): Doesn't make me a teenager though.
LoserCreep (1:47:47 AM): in my eyes
Theresa (1:47:50 AM): k
LoserCreep (1:47:52 AM): you are a teenager
Theresa (1:48:04 AM): Well, keep on living the dream I guess.
LoserCreep (1:48:15 AM): you better believe it
LoserCreep (1:48:19 AM): i dream of you EVERY NIGHT
LoserCreep (1:48:27 AM): sometimes during the day
LoserCreep (1:48:36 AM): boy, you sure guess right !!
Theresa (1:48:42 AM): I don't know how.
LoserCreep (1:49:00 AM): well, i don't think you want to get into my dreams
LoserCreep (1:49:04 AM): they are very LUCID
LoserCreep (1:49:33 AM): i mean, I am more than willing to go over my dreams with you......OVER SOME BEVERAGE(S)...
LoserCreep (1:49:34 AM): but alas
LoserCreep (1:49:37 AM): that ain't happenin
Theresa (1:50:44 AM): That's the spirit.
LoserCreep (1:50:58 AM): yes, thats the "spirit"
LoserCreep (1:51:10 AM): and I've had some generous doses of 'spirit' tonite
Theresa (1:52:32 AM): You don't say.
LoserCreep (1:52:43 AM): i don't say ???
LoserCreep (1:52:49 AM): i just did
LoserCreep (1:59:26 AM): cute bubbly young....
LoserCreep (2:12:21 AM): still cleaning ?

I haven't replied back and I'm not going to. Gah. Gross.

It's a Buoy.

My sister just went into labor, so I'm rushing home. I can't leave until about 9, but I thought I'd let the ole journal know what's up. I always knew I'd be spending my last night of college classes in the hospital.

7-Year Old Boy Told to Take It Like a Man.

Hey-ho everyone. Just thought I'd get in a little story while I'm lurking my flist. Well, last week two writers from The Onion came in to speak to us here at the University of Tennessee. They talked about how they come up with their stories, and what a typical week for them is like. It was a writer who's pretty much been there from the beginning, and the guy who does all the crazy photoshopped images you see in there. Needless to say, it was pretty much awesome on all accounts. It even reminded me about my dream to be a satirist. But we'll just see how lazy I am.

Anyway, at the end of the presentation they invited everyone who wanted to stay to come up to the stage and get their mugshot taken, saying they'd probably use it in there at some point. Well.. hehe. I got mine taken. :) They warned us not to expect some great story to be with it, and said it'd most likely say "Child Molester" under our name, hehe. But, just being able to say I was in The Onion.. man. It was more than worth it. So, we'll see what they tag me as.

They asked for a few shots, some smiling, and a couple with blank, stony expressions. So, either way, it'll be hilarious. Ahh, I love that paper so much. :)

That's all for now, I s'pose. Back to my essays.

Cowboy Killers.

I feel like I'm 15 or something. I'm at home this weekend, packing up my room so my mom can move yet once again, and I got bored. Thought of the pack of cigarettes in my purse, looked at my window, then got a "bright idea". That's right-- I opened my window and smoked out of it.

Keep in mind hardly anybody knows I started smoking a few weeks ago. I was anti-smoking Queen for last 21 years or so. Anyhow, I get done and lay on my bed for a bit. Then I realize I absolutely reak of cigarettes and can't go back out to my mom smelling like that. So I Febreze my pajamas. (Smooth, real smooth, Theresa.)

Then I start packing some shit, and within two minutes of doing so, I get a knock on my door. Shit.

"Why is your door closed?"
"I always close my door."
*jiggles door knob*
"Why is your door locked?"
"I lock my doors in my apartment." (Which I do, but that's beside the point here)
"Open your door."
"...Why?"
"Just open it."

So I do.

"What are you doing in here?"
"Packing."

Here it comes.

"I smell cigarettes."

Fuck.

"Well, maybe because I smoke them."
"Why?" (unbelieving tone)
"Because I had a bad role model growing up."
*slaps me on the arm*
*slaps her back*
"Yeah, you like that one?"

And that's how it went. She did her tsk tsk thing, but seriously. I'm 21, almost 22. It's not like I'm underage and stole them from my bff's dad's brother. It's my decision, and I wanted one. So there.

Funny thing is, she took me out for ice cream not 5 minutes later, lol. Ahhh, so this is childhood.

Wow, deep?

I went to Atlanta on Monday. My friend Katie had a little reception with a bunch of people at the law school she got accepted to, so I tagged along. I figured I'd just roam the corners of the room while she schmoozed and think about sex or something, but then, THEN... I saw the open bar. That's right. The open bar. I was saved.

Well, it wasn't quite as open as I thought it should be, but it had alcohol in any event. Heineken and Amstel Light. That's it. So I had two Heinekens, then tried the Amstel Light, thought it was slightly nastier, and had another Heineken. All within an hour. :) So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty good at the end. The bartender was really nice and knew I was taking advantage, so every time he popped the cap off a bottle and put it on a little napkin for me, he'd sort of laugh and say "Enjoy." It was great.

I was thinking the other day... that bartender was a little part of what I think God should be. He gives you what you want, consequences be damned, and it's with a smile. And the only thing he's ever obligated to say to you is, "enjoy". Now that's religion.

You like that? Oooh, yeah. Just like that.

You know how when you had a Casio keyboard when you were little (or Yamaha, or whatever) and you played the 'Demo' thing so much that you now have it memorized by heart?

Well, I was watching one of my 34-second porn clip samples, courtesy of Kazaa Lite, and I knew the porny background music by heart. And I had to pause and laugh. I could sing it to you right now, actually. And then I'd sing you the Demo Song from my Yamaha keyboard. Life's crazy sometimes, isn't it?

And I'm half-drunk. So take that however you like.

Why doesn't anyone quote 'The Mask' anymore? Is it old-hat now?

Words and phrases not used nearly enough anymore:

-Gag me with a spoon
-The clap
-Vehemently
-Queef
-That's what your dad said
-Pants'ed
-When you go to the checkout counter and hear the beep, think of the fun you could have.. on Supermarket Sweep!
-Fuckface
-Ergo

Why are all my male friends eensy?

Dear ExpressMen,

Why are all the good clothes you sell not available in 'Small'? Do you get a lot of miniature, finnicky fashion queens who come in, looking for a splash of color? Just wondering. I would have so bought that salmon pink merino wool sweater otherwise.

Yours,
Theresa LaGuardia

The injustice associated with not wearing neon.

Yo yo, my peeps. I figure I should make an entry on what's going on in ole Tennessee just because I haven't done so in a while. (What a boring reason. Jeez.)

So. Work's been.. interesting. People are gettin' fired up, to use the pun blatantly. Yeah. Jobs in jeopardy, tears for fears, and lots of people being pissed off in general. [suddenly changes topic] Here's something that always makes me mad: Foreign exchange students who get boyfriends within weeks or months of coming here. What the fuck?! I've been here 21 years, and am still scraping for a hug, and you come in with your bejeweled flip flops and neon belts.. and everyone wants a piece! THE INJUSTICE!!!

*calms* Whatever. That was a "for instance", btw. meh heh.

Blech.

I'm sorry, I just don't think male swimmers are attractive. At all. Sorry guys.