Get a fruit buzz: the worst tagline ever.

If McDonald's offers to "hook me up" with a salad one more time, I can't be responsible for the consequences.

Never tickle a sleeping pole dancer.

I was just watching Soul Train (don't ask) and there was totally this woman on there, shaking her booty, working a Hogwarts track jacket. Nice.

Funny story.

Jason came over tonight and we were watching some Queer as Folk. Then I put in Aqua Teen Hunger Force to show him a couple of episodes, since he refused to see any show with "a talking milkshake" on previous occasions. But I made him. Anyway, it kept skipping and pausing of its own will, and it had nothing to do with the DVD, but with the player. So I took out the disc and blew hard inside of my DVD player to get the dust out or whatever to fix it (it's worked before), and then tried to play it again. It still skipped. So, in defeat, I took it out and said, "Sorry my DVD player's being all gay." Then I stopped, immediately looked over at him, and said, "Oh."

"Do you actually use that phrase? I hate people who use that phrase."

"No?"

"Good. Because we can't be friends anymore if you say that all the time."

Then he called something of mine straight, and I didn't get it at first, and then I did, but then I didn't laugh. You know.. because it didn't make any sense/wasn't-funny. Then later on he made me give him a massage. It was a weird day.

Just for the record.

Here are some good t-shirt/poster sayings I made up recently/today:

I'm a Closet Bush Supporter,
and I'm not talking about the president.
(with a woman peeking her head around a big pink triangle in the background)


VIAGRA:
Helping Fags Fuck Their Hags Since 1998


Why they're both homosexual in context, nobody knows. Thank you. So long, and good night.

Back off, bitch.

So, I have lots to update on.. but right now I just had to show everyone something. I have this pseudo-stalker who won't leave me the hell alone on AIM. He found me on facebook and he's way creepy. Anyway, he's from India and doesn't understand half of the sayings I use. At first it was tedious to explain everything I said, but now it's just plain annoying/amusing. I can't decide. Either way, he keeps relentlessly hitting on me and being all-around creepy. I'm never going to meet him for "coffee".. as he keeps asking for, so dude needs to lay off. I'm pretty much just being mean about it now. Anyway, here's part of the latest tedious IM for you all to enjoy:

LoserCreep (1:31:41 AM): yo theresa...whaddup
Theresa (1:32:51 AM): Uh, same as before
LoserCreep (1:33:01 AM): which was ?
Theresa (1:33:17 AM): At home
LoserCreep (1:33:22 AM): tri cities ?
Theresa (1:33:43 AM): yes.
LoserCreep (1:33:49 AM): ok...
LoserCreep (1:33:55 AM): or as the french would say
LoserCreep (1:34:06 AM): trie citie`
LoserCreep (1:37:26 AM): so, what else is going on ?
Theresa (1:40:35 AM): I'm cleaning.
LoserCreep (1:40:42 AM): yourself ?
Theresa (1:41:28 AM): Uh, my room
LoserCreep (1:41:41 AM): oh
LoserCreep (1:41:44 AM): i am disappointed
Theresa (1:41:50 AM): ok
LoserCreep (1:42:01 AM): you could have played along
LoserCreep (1:42:35 AM): we BOTH could have played along
Theresa (1:42:44 AM): *shudder*
LoserCreep (1:43:04 AM): so you are beginning to shudder
LoserCreep (1:43:07 AM): thats a good sign
Theresa (1:43:17 AM): If you say so.
LoserCreep (1:43:20 AM): in fact, thats exactly what I was thinking....you are playing along
LoserCreep (1:43:21 AM): good good
Theresa (1:43:36 AM): I think you need a dictionary.
LoserCreep (1:43:47 AM): i think you need to shudder some more
Theresa (1:44:17 AM): Oh, I have. I have.
LoserCreep (1:44:22 AM): EXCELLENT
LoserCreep (1:44:30 AM): throw in a moan and a groan somewhere in there
Theresa (1:45:05 AM): So, I'm guessing you're bored.
LoserCreep (1:45:44 AM): well, you are a very precocious, talented (*needless to say gifted and perceptive !!) teenager
LoserCreep (1:45:53 AM): slightly bored
LoserCreep (1:45:59 AM): couldn't sleep
LoserCreep (1:46:02 AM): well
Theresa (1:47:11 AM): Am I a teenager?
LoserCreep (1:47:21 AM): yes....you are younger than me
LoserCreep (1:47:26 AM): and I turn 27 tomorrow
Theresa (1:47:35 AM): Hurrah.
Theresa (1:47:41 AM): Doesn't make me a teenager though.
LoserCreep (1:47:47 AM): in my eyes
Theresa (1:47:50 AM): k
LoserCreep (1:47:52 AM): you are a teenager
Theresa (1:48:04 AM): Well, keep on living the dream I guess.
LoserCreep (1:48:15 AM): you better believe it
LoserCreep (1:48:19 AM): i dream of you EVERY NIGHT
LoserCreep (1:48:27 AM): sometimes during the day
LoserCreep (1:48:36 AM): boy, you sure guess right !!
Theresa (1:48:42 AM): I don't know how.
LoserCreep (1:49:00 AM): well, i don't think you want to get into my dreams
LoserCreep (1:49:04 AM): they are very LUCID
LoserCreep (1:49:33 AM): i mean, I am more than willing to go over my dreams with you......OVER SOME BEVERAGE(S)...
LoserCreep (1:49:34 AM): but alas
LoserCreep (1:49:37 AM): that ain't happenin
Theresa (1:50:44 AM): That's the spirit.
LoserCreep (1:50:58 AM): yes, thats the "spirit"
LoserCreep (1:51:10 AM): and I've had some generous doses of 'spirit' tonite
Theresa (1:52:32 AM): You don't say.
LoserCreep (1:52:43 AM): i don't say ???
LoserCreep (1:52:49 AM): i just did
LoserCreep (1:59:26 AM): cute bubbly young....
LoserCreep (2:12:21 AM): still cleaning ?

I haven't replied back and I'm not going to. Gah. Gross.

It's a Buoy.

My sister just went into labor, so I'm rushing home. I can't leave until about 9, but I thought I'd let the ole journal know what's up. I always knew I'd be spending my last night of college classes in the hospital.

7-Year Old Boy Told to Take It Like a Man.

Hey-ho everyone. Just thought I'd get in a little story while I'm lurking my flist. Well, last week two writers from The Onion came in to speak to us here at the University of Tennessee. They talked about how they come up with their stories, and what a typical week for them is like. It was a writer who's pretty much been there from the beginning, and the guy who does all the crazy photoshopped images you see in there. Needless to say, it was pretty much awesome on all accounts. It even reminded me about my dream to be a satirist. But we'll just see how lazy I am.

Anyway, at the end of the presentation they invited everyone who wanted to stay to come up to the stage and get their mugshot taken, saying they'd probably use it in there at some point. Well.. hehe. I got mine taken. :) They warned us not to expect some great story to be with it, and said it'd most likely say "Child Molester" under our name, hehe. But, just being able to say I was in The Onion.. man. It was more than worth it. So, we'll see what they tag me as.

They asked for a few shots, some smiling, and a couple with blank, stony expressions. So, either way, it'll be hilarious. Ahh, I love that paper so much. :)

That's all for now, I s'pose. Back to my essays.

Cowboy Killers.

I feel like I'm 15 or something. I'm at home this weekend, packing up my room so my mom can move yet once again, and I got bored. Thought of the pack of cigarettes in my purse, looked at my window, then got a "bright idea". That's right-- I opened my window and smoked out of it.

Keep in mind hardly anybody knows I started smoking a few weeks ago. I was anti-smoking Queen for last 21 years or so. Anyhow, I get done and lay on my bed for a bit. Then I realize I absolutely reak of cigarettes and can't go back out to my mom smelling like that. So I Febreze my pajamas. (Smooth, real smooth, Theresa.)

Then I start packing some shit, and within two minutes of doing so, I get a knock on my door. Shit.

"Why is your door closed?"
"I always close my door."
*jiggles door knob*
"Why is your door locked?"
"I lock my doors in my apartment." (Which I do, but that's beside the point here)
"Open your door."
"...Why?"
"Just open it."

So I do.

"What are you doing in here?"
"Packing."

Here it comes.

"I smell cigarettes."

Fuck.

"Well, maybe because I smoke them."
"Why?" (unbelieving tone)
"Because I had a bad role model growing up."
*slaps me on the arm*
*slaps her back*
"Yeah, you like that one?"

And that's how it went. She did her tsk tsk thing, but seriously. I'm 21, almost 22. It's not like I'm underage and stole them from my bff's dad's brother. It's my decision, and I wanted one. So there.

Funny thing is, she took me out for ice cream not 5 minutes later, lol. Ahhh, so this is childhood.

Wow, deep?

I went to Atlanta on Monday. My friend Katie had a little reception with a bunch of people at the law school she got accepted to, so I tagged along. I figured I'd just roam the corners of the room while she schmoozed and think about sex or something, but then, THEN... I saw the open bar. That's right. The open bar. I was saved.

Well, it wasn't quite as open as I thought it should be, but it had alcohol in any event. Heineken and Amstel Light. That's it. So I had two Heinekens, then tried the Amstel Light, thought it was slightly nastier, and had another Heineken. All within an hour. :) So, needless to say, I was feeling pretty good at the end. The bartender was really nice and knew I was taking advantage, so every time he popped the cap off a bottle and put it on a little napkin for me, he'd sort of laugh and say "Enjoy." It was great.

I was thinking the other day... that bartender was a little part of what I think God should be. He gives you what you want, consequences be damned, and it's with a smile. And the only thing he's ever obligated to say to you is, "enjoy". Now that's religion.

You like that? Oooh, yeah. Just like that.

You know how when you had a Casio keyboard when you were little (or Yamaha, or whatever) and you played the 'Demo' thing so much that you now have it memorized by heart?

Well, I was watching one of my 34-second porn clip samples, courtesy of Kazaa Lite, and I knew the porny background music by heart. And I had to pause and laugh. I could sing it to you right now, actually. And then I'd sing you the Demo Song from my Yamaha keyboard. Life's crazy sometimes, isn't it?

And I'm half-drunk. So take that however you like.

Why doesn't anyone quote 'The Mask' anymore? Is it old-hat now?

Words and phrases not used nearly enough anymore:

-Gag me with a spoon
-The clap
-Vehemently
-Queef
-That's what your dad said
-Pants'ed
-When you go to the checkout counter and hear the beep, think of the fun you could have.. on Supermarket Sweep!
-Fuckface
-Ergo

Why are all my male friends eensy?

Dear ExpressMen,

Why are all the good clothes you sell not available in 'Small'? Do you get a lot of miniature, finnicky fashion queens who come in, looking for a splash of color? Just wondering. I would have so bought that salmon pink merino wool sweater otherwise.

Yours,
Theresa LaGuardia

The injustice associated with not wearing neon.

Yo yo, my peeps. I figure I should make an entry on what's going on in ole Tennessee just because I haven't done so in a while. (What a boring reason. Jeez.)

So. Work's been.. interesting. People are gettin' fired up, to use the pun blatantly. Yeah. Jobs in jeopardy, tears for fears, and lots of people being pissed off in general. [suddenly changes topic] Here's something that always makes me mad: Foreign exchange students who get boyfriends within weeks or months of coming here. What the fuck?! I've been here 21 years, and am still scraping for a hug, and you come in with your bejeweled flip flops and neon belts.. and everyone wants a piece! THE INJUSTICE!!!

*calms* Whatever. That was a "for instance", btw. meh heh.

Blech.

I'm sorry, I just don't think male swimmers are attractive. At all. Sorry guys.

The Inevitable Return of the Great White T.

NOT DEAD!!!! Yep, that's right. :o)

How long has it been since I last updated? Sheesh man. Beginning of March it seems. Well, I could throw out every excuse in the book, but I'll spare you all and just try to catch up the last 3 months in one beautiful, heartfelt entry. Sound good? Eh. I think I'm losing my touch honestly.

Sooo... the big ole Spring Break Milwaukee 2004! Err.. 3 months ago! It was grand fun. Colleen and Ben were waiting for me in the airport with a poster sign reading "Slashers 2004". I'm sure many others were confused, but whatever. Hehe. But anyway, it was raining a bit on the way back, and as luck would have it, Ben's windshield wipers decided to stop functioning just days before. So.. we drove carefully? Heh. But yeah.. first stop.. Grocery City!

I'm in a bit of an odd mood, so I throw my beautissimus Philadelphia cream cheese into the shopping cart freethrow style, illiciting cheers from many toddlers in aisle 9. Well, not really. But that would have been cool. I think the only thing it accomplished was having Ben look at me oddly, but yeah. More shop shop shopping. At one point, me and Colleen came across bags of powdered doughnuts. Ok.. BAGS. As in, plastic. As in.. bread-style. And I just went, "These are sold in bags? Huh?" Cue Ben from around the corner. Cue Ben picking up said powdered doughnut bag and placing it in cart. Cue hysterical laughter.

Wow, this update is going to take forever at this rate. I really do remember too many details. Lemme speed this along. So basically, Colleen and Ben rule for letting me crash their apartment for an entire week. I slept on the infamous futon, and I saw their lovely yellowfied kitchen. We drank Sprite Remix like nobody's business (though, I think Colleen had a few more than me) and watched gay gay gay movies up da' hizzouz. We also went to this cute little store that was going out of business and I bought a few things for my then-future apartment. A sun/moon/star mirror and a clock made out of a can of black beans. Really rare, the cashier told me. Heh, like I care. Now give me my change. Something like that.

Ok.. skipping skipping skipping... I of course got a cheesehead hat and a t-shirt that says, "Where's the Bubbler?" For those of you not into the Southeastern Wisconsin slang, that's a water fountain. :o) But anyway, also got to see where Colleen works and hang out there for a while. The ham and swiss sandwich in the Starbucks is glorious, I really must say. But anyway, I of course found the Gay section of the store and hit up the "Best of the Best" erotic short story collections. Though, at one point (and I know this sounds bad), that place was mad busy, and there was nowhere to sit.. and my feet were killing me. So I crashed in the last remaining open armchair in the children's section to read my trashy gayness. So yeah. It's not like they could see what I was reading anyway. I hid the cover and all.. but Colleen still came up to me and said it might not be too good to read that there. I then had a Ron Weasley moment and said, "But everywhere else is full." And so on.

Parting was such sweet sorrow from Wisconsin, but I have a feeling it was truly time for me to go. I mean, it was an entire week. Almost. But yeah, very fun. Did I mention we went to Chicago one day to shop? Guess not. Well, we did. Heh. And Ben is a very good driver. Despite that police officer stopping him on the way back. Pointing out all his shortcomings. But anyway, I thank you both again. I shall be posting pictures I took from the trip whenever I can get near a scanner.. which should be rather soon. Hip hip!

Ok, now on to more recent things. Hmmm. Why have I been so absent? Well, work namely. Not nearly as much free time as before. And my advertising major is also really starting to bite me in the ass, as it seems there's always some sort of "huge project" due every other week. But yeah. You can all just chalk the rest up to sheer laziness. Sorry. Annnyway, Joy was right when she said Financial Management was the class from hell. I seriously went there everyday, sat down, didn't listen, and just squiggled and drew cartoons in my notes the whole time. Genuine learning right there. But I ended up with a C+ in the class.. which really couldn't make me any happier. I dreaded the D for a while there. And I've only gotten one D as a term grade in my entire life. That's right. D+ in 6th grade P.E. Woo hoo.

In other news, I am now the proud owner of Nigel, my beautiful new Ford Focus. 2004! He's ever so lovely. MP3 player, alloy wheels, spoiler. I couldn't be more proud. *sheds silent tear* But the other day, I came back to find that the birds in the trees of my apartment complex hate Nigel, and chose to shit upon him like a white, gooey downpour. It was really quite appalling how much was smeared upon my car.. and I just had it washed! So, it's pretty much caked on now. Poor, poor Nigel. I shall have to wash him again this weekend.

I am also in my very own 1 bedroom apartment in Knoxville now! Very spacious, very lovely, very clean.. and most importantly.. very air conditioned! It's 800 square feet, and I have some awesome furniture up in hee-yah. And my area rug really pulls the room together, Big Lebowski style.

A Little Slice of Tennessee Livin'.

Hey hey hey, boys and girls. Taking a break from my mountain of Advertising work to give a nice lil' update on things.

Retreat was stupid. It was just like I had taken a trip back to 7th grade and was forced to laugh all night at stupid shit (except in 7th grade stupid shit actually WAS funny). First of all, we sat around a bonfire and roasted marshmallows. Then we roasted hot dogs over it for dinner. Then I made a comment about 'schwetty weiners' and everyone said I had a dirty mind. Uhhh.. you think? So I kept making perverted comments all night for good measure. Stupid prudes.

Then we played this game called "I have never ever" where we had to say something we had never done, and if you had done what the person said, you put one of your 10 fingers down. Somebody choke me now. Anyway, it got to the point where me and this other girl were the only ones left, and I was WAAAAY in the lead, but then everyone in the circle had to go and start targeting me, saying things like, "I have never ever lived in Melrose Hall" or "I have never ever watched more than one Mr. Show episode in a row". But then came the kicker. My friend Robin said, while looking right at me, "I have never ever read Harry Potter porn." I just squinted my eyes with my 3 fingers still up, and stared right back at her. Then, with pride, I plopped down my ring finger. Then everyone looked at me with gasps of "sick" and "they make that?".. So I explained the smutty goodness and why they should all read it. No one agreed. Ah well. Jerks.

It went on and on, the laughing, the watching of Finding Nemo more than once, the constant remarks of, 'I'm having so much fun, guys.' But it didn't stop there. I was forced into buying crap I didn't want at an airbrush t-shirt place (*cough*whitetrash*cough*), and I was told the last morning there that I moan in my sleep. Nice.

The next day I called my mom to see what was going on at home, and I decided to tell her where I went all weekend and had absolutely no fun whatsoever. I described it as a "some gay retreat" and my mom just stoppped me and was like.. WHAT?! She thought I actually meant a gay retreat, as in lesbians. Also nice. Thanks mom. But really, if I was a lesbian.. wouldn't I have told her by now? Psh.

Blah blah blah, ooh, got a job at the university paper for next semester as an Advertising Production Assistant. He basically hired me on the spot. Didn't even read my application, only my transcript-- which I'm guessing was good. It's going to be 15-20 hours a week, and more hours "if I like".. yeah right. They've already destroyed my glorious 4-day weekends and sleeping until noon everyday. Not to mention me having to come back a week early from winter break just to "train". Extra hours my ass. But it should be a good experience overall. And at least I'll be getting paid for it. Hello, Spring Break money. It's good to see you again.

And now some other random news. Today I left my room at 4 o'clock, not thinking much about the weather outside. That is.. until I came back at 9 and found a giant puddle of water on my floor beside the window. "What's that?" I said to myself. Then I looked up and saw-- to my terror-- an open window. It was raining buckets outside and I left the window open all day long. But the situation got worse as I directed my attention towards my computer... which was all wet. ALL OF IT.

I freaked. I grabbed a towel out of the laundry I had just washed and started to mop it all up. I grabbed the keyboard and was greeted with a fresh downfall of cold water onto my shoes. "Well, I guess that doesn't work anymore," I said aloud. Then I saw my speakers and headphones slopped in wetness as well. I should have cried, but I didn't. I was just mildly annoyed, truthfully.

Had a spare keyboard in my closet, so I'm using that now. My speakers are kind of fooked though. It goes from kind of soft to 'LOUD, OH MY GOD WHY IS IT SO LOUD???' in the tiniest bit of a turn. So I can't really get an in-between volume, which sucks, but oh well. No way I can afford to replace them though. They're what my mom refers to as 'the best you can buy'. Yeah, needless to say, she won't be hearing about the rain incident.

There's a reason you only see them when you're about to die.

My mom swears she saw an angel kneeling beside her bed when she was halfway asleep one night. Yeah, don't ask. Now I'm thinking some angel on a rampage for blood is walking around our house and will be waiting in my bedroom to kill me whenever I go into it. Thanks, Mom.

Rumble!!!

So I couldn't get to sleep at all last night. I think I ended up dozing off sometime around 8AM... though I had been laying in my bed trying to get to sleep since 4. Must have been that 3 hour nap I took from 9 to midnight. :) I swear, my sleeping schedule has gotten so messed up this week.

At approximately 10:30AM, the stupid goddamned cleaning lady knocks on the door and invites herself in to clean the suite bathroom. She's supposed to alternate sides every week so that she's not coming in on the same side and waking up people who don't have class until 5PM, but no-ooo! I think that's just too difficult for her to remember. Then she starts having a conversation with maitenance guy out in the hallway, when she can totally see me trying to sleep! Bitch! SO LOUD!!! And she turned on all the freaking lights in the ROOM!! Why does she need those on? Clean the bathroom and GO, wench!!! So around 11, she's done, and I attempt to go back to my much needed sleep.

Then it happens. 12:30PM. A rumble next door....

"You fucking bitch!!! You fucking whore!! Why? WHY? What the fuck is your fucking problem?! I HATE YOU!!! YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! I told you personal things, and you fucking fuck everything up with all my friends!!! Why? WHY?!?! NO! Don't run away from this you fucking bitch!! I HATE YOU!!!!!!!! FUUUUUCKK!!!"

These same phrases are repeated many a'times, and let me tell you... I'm awake now. I don't want to miss anything. :) The suitemates are getting down to business. Vengeance is sweet.

I hear the one being yelled at try to leave the room, but the one yelling follows her out into the hallway, not letting her get on the elevator, screaming at her all the while with the same phrases. But this time, she adds the ever pleasant, "You need psychological help you fucking whore!! Fucking HELP!!!" Ah yes. I've never met either one of my suitemates officially, but they sound like a frisky bunch.